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Preschoolers: Growing & Learning TogetherPreschoolers: 3 and 4 Year Olds

Introduction

Your preschooler is showing amazing changes in their language and is continuing to learn through pretend, creative, and active play. Preschoolers are also often very social and are learning how to get along with others. They are beginning to solve their own small problems and on this page, you’ll find ways to help them practice this skill.

You’ll also learn how you can encourage your preschooler to cooperate and play with other children (including their siblings), how warmth and structure can help your child manage their fears and anxieties, how you can build their confidence by involving them at home, and how your child is starting to understand the difference between fantasy and reality.

Communication

Communicating with your preschooler

Preschoolers show amazing changes in their language. They quickly learn many words that name and describe people, places, things, actions and experiences in their world. They move from short sentences that leave out some words like “Big dog coming now,” to simple complete sentences such as “The big dog is coming to my house.

Most people will understand your preschooler’s speech and will be able to have conversations with them in person, on a tablet and on the phone. There may be a few sounds your preschooler still cannot say correctly.

During this stage, you’ll see lots of changes in your preschooler’s speech and language skills:

  • Their vocabulary is growing rapidly.
    • As they learn new words, your preschooler may often ask, “What’s this?” They may need to hear words many times before they use them. You may be surprised at the words your preschooler learns.
    • They’ll have a word for almost everything they’re interested in. This includes words to describe things like big, round, red, pretty and fast.
    • They’ll start to tell stories that may include a lot of short sentences connected by “And then.
    • They may enjoy telling jokes, even if they don’t make sense.
  • Preschoolers are very curious. They may ask many ‘who’, ‘where’, ‘why’ and ‘when’ questions to learn more about their world.
    • They ask “Why?” because they want to know how things work. They need you to patiently show and tell them.
    • They ask “When?” because they’re learning about time. Soon they’ll understand that supper is ‘later’ and that you’re going to the library ‘tomorrow’.
  • They’re learning how things are the same and different such as two apples are both round and one is red and the other is green.
    • During play, your preschooler may line up or sort things into groups such as cars or animals. They may talk about how the items in the group are the same or different.
    • They may have a favourite colour and will learn to name it. They may like to find other things that are the same colour.
  • They’ll start to choose books about things that interest them.
    • They may enjoy silly stories and rhymes by the time they’re 4 years old.
    • They may also start to add their own rhyming words during games and songs.
  • They’ll be able to follow longer instructions, such as “Please put your toys away, take this cup to the kitchen and then get a book for us to read.” They may be able to find an object when you tell them it’s ‘in’, ‘on’, ‘under’, ‘behind’ or ‘in front’ of something.

Language development

By 3 years old, your preschooler will be able to:

  • say short sentences like, “I’m going now.”
  • ask questions like, “Where you go?” and “What’s soap for?”
  • follow more complex directions such as, “Please go to your room and bring me your teddy bear,” or “Pick up your coat, go to the door and get your shoes, please.

Encouraging your preschooler’s speech and language development

  • Take time every day to talk with your preschooler. They’ll learn how to have longer conversations and take turns listening.
  • Start conversations. Take turns telling each other about your day, such as “What was the best thing that happened today?” or “What did you learn?”
  • Give them time to answer and try not to rush them.
  • Comment on what they say and then wait for them to tell you more.
  • Try not to ask too many questions that get a one-word answer, such as “Yes” or “No.” Instead, ask questions that start with ‘who,’ ‘where,’ ‘why’ or ‘when.’

Understand by 3 years old

You should be able to understand what your child is saying most of the time by 3 years old.

To learn more about speech and language development and when to get help to support your child:

If you’re concerned about your child’s speech and language development, it’s important to act early. For more information about speech and language development, visit MyHealth.Alberta.ca – Speech, Language and Hearing.

Early reading and writing

Ever since your child was born, they’ve been building skills that will help them to read and write. They learn these skills when they scribble, draw, talk about pictures and listen to or tell stories.

Promote your preschooler’s reading and writing skills:

  • Go to libraries regularly. Let your child pick out their own books.
  • Read every day and often. Keep books handy so they can look at them and you can read together anytime and anywhere, even for a few minutes.
    • Read books with pictures, rhymes and repetition. Your child will love to hear their favourite stories over and over.
    • Try to find new ways to make familiar stories interesting for both of you. Start a sentence and let your child fill in the words like “Jack and Jill went up the…” Act out the story with their toys.
    • Run your finger along the words on the page so your child begins to connect the sounds you’re saying to the printed words. This also shows them the direction of reading in your language.
  • Talk about signs and printed words in everyday life. Point out the words on cereal boxes and signs.
  • Draw and write indoors and outdoors. Use chalk on a sidewalk or a stick in the dirt or snow.
  • Let your child see you read. Children who see others reading are more likely to want to read.

Emotions

Learning about emotions

Preschoolers can now recognize and name their emotions, such as happy, sad, mad or frustrated. You may notice that they are starting to draw these feelings in pictures. A preschooler’s emotions are just as strong as they were in the toddler years, however they’re now learning how to use their words, instead of their actions, to tell you how they feel. They’re starting to learn to self-regulate when they find ways to calm themselves and cope when they feel emotions, such as frustration.

Your preschooler’s brain has better connections now between the areas responsible for thinking and feeling.

With your help, they can now learn to:

  • get along with others and show empathy
  • focus, learn and solve problems
  • use their thoughts to help manage their emotions and self-regulate
  • be more comfortable being away from you, because they can now keep an image of you in their mind and know that you’ll come back
  • wait for short periods of time

As your preschooler gets older, they’ll start to:

  • be less impulsive and better able to watch and think before they act
  • use words to talk themselves through tough situations
  • understand that other people have feelings that might be different from their own
  • realize their actions have an effect on others
  • remember events from the past

Preschoolers are getting better at managing their emotions. They can also have more than one emotion at a time. For example, at a birthday party, they may feel excited, but also upset that they don’t get the presents. They can still easily get overwhelmed, especially when they’re tired. At times, preschoolers will still have tantrums and show their anger and frustration with loud, physical outbursts. Tantrums are much less common by the time they are 4 years old. Learn more about tantrums.

Talk to your health care provider if your child’s tantrums are happening more often, if the tantrums are lasting longer or if your child is getting more aggressive.

Fears and anxieties

Preschoolers have usually overcome some of their earlier fears. However, as they begin to think and reason in new ways, they may develop new fears. Many preschoolers may become anxious or afraid of:

  • real things, such as the dark, dogs and storms
  • imaginary things, such as monsters and ghosts
  • new experiences, such as going to preschool, flying in an airplane or moving to a new home
  • things they hear about, such as being in a fire or a car crash

New experiences can sometimes bring back feelings of fear and anxiety, including separation anxiety. For most children this usually lasts for only a few weeks.

You can help your child learn to manage their fear and anxiety by providing warmth and structure. Here are some examples:

Provide warmth

  • Give your child time. They may cling to you until they’re comfortable. They may want to hold their favourite toy. Once they feel secure, encourage them to try on their own.
  • Accept their fear—do not make fun of them. If your child thinks a monster is under the bed, understand that they’re scared.
  • Reassure them. Calmly assure them that they’re safe and you’re close by.
  • Encourage them to talk about their fears. Let them know that everyone is afraid sometimes. Remind them of how they got over an earlier fear. “Remember when you were nervous about staying at grandma’s, but then you two had so much fun.”
  • Do not force your child into a situation they fear.

Provide structure

  • Introduce your child to new places and people ahead of time, like before they start preschool.
  • Talk with them about how well they handled a fearful situation. “You were really worried when you went to the clinic. It can be scary when you don’t know what’s going to happen. Now that you know about the clinic, next time it won’t be so scary.” Try to get them to talk about the experience in their own words.
  • Give them information. For example, if they’re afraid of falling down the toilet, tell them they’re safe and that this cannot happen. Although information won’t always make the fear go away, it may help them begin to understand.
  • Show your confidence. Sometimes you may be afraid of things too—try to model confidence, even if you don’t always feel it.

If you’re concerned that your child is not adjusting to being somewhere without you, talk with your friends or other support people who may have ideas or your health care provider.

Fantasy and reality

Your preschooler is using their imagination more than ever. They’re starting to understand the difference between what is and is not real. They won’t fully know the difference until they’re 6 or 7 years old.

Your preschooler may tell you things that are not true (e.g., a green dinosaur took their truck), because it’s part of their fantasy and they want you to join in their game. They might also tell you something that’s not true because they’re afraid of getting into trouble. Your child needs to know that it’s safe to tell you what happened.

When your child comes to you with something they’re worried about or that you may find upsetting:

  1. Listen carefully without interrupting them.
  2. Thank them for sharing something difficult and for telling you the truth.
  3. Ask non-judgemental questions to find out more information.
  4. Find a solution to the problem together. Learn more about problem-solving.

When your child tells you something that’s not true, play along with the fantasy if it’s not a serious situation. Let them know that it’s okay to tell you what happened and you’ll calmly help them problem-solve. For example, if they spilled milk and say that the dog did it:

  • Help them clean it up.
  • Talk about what happened.
  • Work together to find a way they can pour milk without spilling it.

If you have questions or concerns about your child’s emotional or social development, call Health Link at 811 or talk with your health care provider.

Learning to get calm and problem-solve

Your preschooler may be ready to begin solving their own small problems with your help. The more they can practice solving their small problems now, the better they’ll be at solving them in the future.

Disagreements and problems can bring out strong emotions. The most important first step to solving these problems is to get everyone involved to a calmer state. Your child can learn to do this, however, they cannot do it on their own. They’ll learn best by seeing you calm yourself first and then by having lots of chances to practice themselves.

Parent sits on the floor and hugs their preschooler, who is wiping tears from their eyes.

Getting calm

When you’re having a conflict with your child or when your child is upset:

  1. Calm yourself first.
  2. Limit any behaviours that could harm your child or others (e.g., physically removing your child away from another child if they’re hitting them).
  3. Help your child get calm.

These steps are important before you try to solve the problem. Your preschooler will have an easier time getting to a calmer state if you’re not upset. Learn more about tantrums.

Your preschooler may want to calm down with you, near you, or away from you. Every child is different so find what works best for your child. If your child finds it easier to calm themselves on their own, help them find a place where they feel comfortable. Ask them what kinds of things or places help them feel calmer and create a cosy, comfortable space at home that they can go to whenever they feel they need to take a break. If they need to calm down away from you, help your preschooler think of a safe and comfortable place to go. It needs to be a place that is okay for both of you.

Once you’re both calm you can work together to solve the problem.

Learn more about self-regulation and getting calm.

Solving problems

Your preschooler is still learning. They’re just starting to be able to predict what will happen if they act in a certain way. Try to understand what they might be feeling and thinking. Then talk about how to solve the problem. Give your preschooler a chance to think of their own solutions.

Steps for problem‑solving:

  1. Describe the problem without blaming or judging anyone. “You’re disappointed because you wanted to wear your green socks, but they’re at grandma’s house.”
  2. Think of different solutions together. Start by asking “How do you think we could solve this problem?” or “What do you think we could do about that?
  3. Accept all ideas, even ideas that sound silly and add some of your own.
  4. Decide together on the best solution that works for both of you. Try it out.
  5. Talk about how well it worked. If it didn’t work well and the problem is still there, try another solution from your list.
  6. When a similar problem happens again:
  • Notice and comment if your child comes up with their own solution.
  • Remind your child of how you solved the problem together in the past if they can’t think of any ideas.

Understanding limits

Preschoolers are beginning to understand that everyone has limits about what they can and cannot do. It will take several years for them to fully understand the idea of limits.

Setting limits in your family is all about finding balance. If there are too many rules, your child may stop trying to do things for themselves. If they have no limits, they may have trouble learning what behaviour is okay and what is not. The limits you set will also need to change as your child grows.

Preschooler wearing a helmet, knee pads, and elbow pads is rolling on a skateboard while parent holds onto their hands and runs alongside.

Use a balanced approach

It’s a new experience for you to watch your child move out into a world of possible dangers. Being too protective can make your child more afraid to try new things. If you ignore or make fun of their fears, they will not feel safe or secure. Try a balanced approach:

  • Think ahead about how to make new experiences as safe as possible.
  • Let your child feel the joy of being successful trying something new.

Play

Let's play

Play builds healthy bodies and minds and is important for your preschooler’s growth and development. Everyday experiences and play are still the main ways that your preschooler learns. When they’re interested in an activity, they’ll want to learn and try new things.

At this age, your preschooler needs many opportunities to play. When they take the lead, they’ll show more imagination and find new ways to play. A couch cushion may become a river raft or a doormat may become a magic carpet. When you join in the play, you can explore new ideas together.

It becomes even more interesting when children start to play together and do things such as building a fort with boxes. Your preschooler may enjoy a music or an active play group in your community—ask friends, other parents, your local library or recreation centre to find out what is available in your area.

Active play

Preschoolers are becoming more adventurous. Your preschooler is using many of the skills they’ve been building since they were a toddler. They’re now running, jumping and hopping with confidence. Your preschooler needs time and space to play to burn off energy and develop their muscles and coordination. Playgrounds give them the chance to swing, slide, climb and jump.

Your preschooler needs you to supervise them while they play, even on equipment that fits their age and stage of development. Preschool-aged children need different types of equipment than older children.

A parent securely carrying a baby in a baby carrier on their front is gently pushed in a playground swing by their preschooler.A preschooler climbs on bars at a playground while parent, standing and watching nearby, holds preschooler’s foot for support.

The more they move, whether they’re dancing to music or playing a game of tag, the better their co-ordination gets. They are getting better at keeping their balance while running and kicking a ball.

Your preschooler may:

  • ride a tricycle or a balance bike
  • walk down stairs by alternating their feet, like an adult does
  • start to use their legs to help them move on a swing

Preschoolers need to be active for at least 180 minutes (3 hours) every day. This can be done by providing your child with chances to play throughout the day.

Learn about sedentary behaviour, play and screen time.

Creative play

Your preschooler’s hands are growing and getting more coordinated. At first, your preschooler will pinch and poke the treasures they find on their adventures such as sticks, leaves and bugs. Then, they’ll be able to stick on or peel off stickers and turn knobs. Later, they’ll be more comfortable using one hand to cut or colour, while the other hand holds the paper.

Your preschooler can:

  • use crayons or finger paints to colour a picture or draw simple shapes or pictures
  • make objects out of clay, such as snakes and balls
  • try to button up a coat, pull apart a snap, or pull a zipper up and down with more ease
  • help plant seeds or dig with a small shovel
Preschooler sitting at a table, rolling out colourful modelling clay with a plastic rolling pin.Three children in preschool sit at a table and paint on paper while the preschool teacher supervises and encourages them.

“My 3 year old daughter loves playing with other children, but I noticed that whenever we were in large groups with a lot of noise, she would just play on her own. She had a lot more fun and social interaction when we set up playdates with one or two other children her age.”

~Ellen, mom of two children

Pretend play

Pretend play is more complex for your preschooler than it was when they were a toddler. They often like to:

  • pretend together with you or their friends
  • take on different roles, such as being a bus driver or a baby, playing house or creating stories using puppets and toys
  • sing, dance and act out short plays
  • tell stories to each other

Pretend play helps preschoolers learn to understand other’s feelings and roles. Your child may like to pretend they’re a parent with a baby, a construction worker, a bus driver or a nurse. They may pretend that a row of chairs is a bus. They may want paper and pencils to make a shopping list, menus or a sign for their restaurant.

Preschooler playing pretend with toy shopping cart.

Interacting with others

Overview

Preschoolers are often very social. They’re moving from thinking about ‘me’ to thinking about ‘we’. They’re learning how to get along with others.

At this stage, your preschooler:

  • likes to be with you and do things together
  • likes to have you take notice of what they’re doing
  • needs to spend time with other children
  • can understand and feel other people’s emotions and may try to help them
  • can understand that what they do can affect other people and things
  • may be more willing to try new things

Playing with others

Preschoolers like to be with other children. Although they often have fun together, at times they may have trouble getting along. With more experience, your preschooler’s social skills will improve.

At this stage, preschoolers:

  • think everyone else sees and thinks about things the same way they do
  • are learning to share and take turns with other children
  • are learning to understand and follow the rules of simple games, but they often change the rules as they play

Encouraging your child to play with other children:

  • Make time. Try to have play times with other children as often as you can.
  • Make space. Your child needs space to play with other children—indoors and outdoors. Move furniture to create space and visit local parks or green spaces.
  • Be ready. Keep things that help children play pretend handy, such as dress-up clothes, boxes and craft supplies.
  • Find safe ways for rough and tumble play. Rough and tumble play (e.g., wrestling or chasing for play) is how children learn what their bodies can do. They are starting to learn how to tell others whether an activity is fun or too rough and how to ask others to stop or be gentler. Your child may need an adult’s help to learn how to do this.
  • Help them join in. Give them the time they need to be comfortable. If they seem unsure, it may help to suggest ways to be part of the group. For example, you could say something like, “It looks like you want to play firefighter with the others?” If they do, you can encourage your child to go up and ask the group, “Can I be a firefighter too?” If your child is still unsure, walk over to the group with your child to give them support as they join in.

Getting along with siblings

Brothers and sisters often have times when they don’t agree. Use these times to help your children learn to get along with each other.

If your preschooler and their sibling or friend cannot settle their differences and start to argue or fight, here are some things you can do to help them:

  1. Stay calm.
  2. Let them sort it out if they can. Be ready to step in.
  3. Separate the children if anyone is being hurt with actions or words. Give them a chance to calm down. Offer comfort and reassure them that you won’t let them hurt each other.
  4. After they’re calm, help them problem-solve to find a solution that works for all of you. They may need your help.
  5. Notice and comment when they start to talk and get along.

Encouraging your children to co‑operate:

  • Make family rules or expectations that everyone in the family follows, such as helping each other, being gentle and kind, not hitting or making fun of each other.
  • Treat them fairly. Avoid favouring or labelling your children by saying things such as, “They’re always getting into trouble,” or “They’re just an angel.”
  • Recognize children have their own temperaments—what works for one child may not work for another.
  • Respect different opinions. Learning to talk about and respond to different opinions is an important social skill for children to learn.
  • Teach them problem-solving skills. When they practice at home, your child will learn how to solve problems when conflict happens outside the home.

Solving conflicts

All children will have some conflict. When preschoolers play together, they may think that their way is the only right way. They may argue with a sibling or want something that someone else has.

When there’s a disagreement, use the situation to build your child’s problem-solving skills:

  1. Describe the situation. “Omar thinks the toy gorilla goes in the cage. Sarah thinks it goes in the forest.
  2. Ask for their suggestions. “I wonder what might work best for both of you.
  3. Wait for them to think of possible solutions. This may take a few minutes.
  4. Offer a few of your own solutions if they are not able to offer any. “Maybe the gorilla could go in the cage for a while and then move to the forest in a few minutes?” or “Maybe the gorilla could be in a cage in the forest?
  5. Stay close to see if the conflict has settled. Let them sort it out if they can.

Your child learns by watching you

  • If you react to problems with anger, yelling or hitting, your child may do the same.
  • When you’re very frustrated with your child or someone else, take time to calm down before trying to solve the problem. Learn more about self-regulation.
  • High emotions and stress can lead to physical or emotional punishment and angry, hurtful words. Learn more about positive discipline.
  • You’ll have a more peaceful home if you practice and teach your child how to solve problems in conflict situations.

Making sense of social expectations

Preschoolers are learning a lot about which behaviours are okay as they spend more time with others. Their social world can be very confusing because adults may want them to:

  • Tell an adult when they see a big problem, such as when someone is hurting someone else, but not when the problem is small. What is a small problem to an adult may be a big problem to a child.
  • Use words rather than actions when they’re angry at someone, but not call them names
  • Use new words, but not certain new words (e.g., swear words)

Helping your child understand social rules:

  • Listen to their concerns.
  • Explain the rules that confuse them.
  • Help them problem-solve when they have concerns.
  • Talk about how their words affect other people. Say things such as, “It’s not okay to call someone a hurtful name,” and suggest other words they could use instead to express their feelings.
  • When they use words that are not okay, tell them not to and explain why.
  • Set a good example for them (e.g., by not using these words yourself).

Preschool, playschool or nursery school

Preschoolers are often ready for preschool, playschool or nursery school. You may want to go on outings in your community or to a parent-child group first. This might help your child get used to being with other children when you’re with them.

Going to preschool, playschool or nursery school can have many benefits for your child. They’ll have fun practicing new skills while learning how to be with and get along with other children and adults.

Many playschools and preschools are licensed and inspected by public health inspectors. Learn more about child care and what to do if you have concerns about your child’s preschool.

Helping your child get used to preschool:

  • Visit the preschool.
  • Read stories about going to preschool.
  • Meet the teacher with your child.
  • Pretend play about being at preschool.
  • Go with your child on the first day.
  • Volunteer at their school when you can.

Helping out at home

Your preschooler learns they’re an important part of the family when they help at home. They’ll be able to:

  • Take dishes to the sink
  • Help wipe up spills
  • Pick up toys and books
  • Help make the bed
  • Sort laundry into colours

 

Cooking with your child

As your child’s skills develop, they may enjoy helping you to prepare food. Cooking with your child teaches them many skills and they’ll love spending time with you. At this age, your preschooler can do things like pouring from measuring cups, mixing ingredients or making a simple sandwich or pizza. Children who help with growing, preparing or cooking food are much more likely to enjoy eating a wide variety of foods. To learn more about cooking with your child, visit Government of Canada – Cooking with Kids.

Parent sits on floor with preschooler behind a laundry basket as they sort the laundry together.

Helping your preschooler develop confidence and healthy self‑esteem

  • Let them know they’re an important part of your family. Try to find some time each day when you can give your preschooler your full attention. Even just a short amount of time each day can make a big difference.
  • Encourage their capability. Encourage your preschooler to do what they can and thank them for the little things they do to help.
  • Have patience. Children don’t always learn things right away. You may have to repeat your words and actions many times, for weeks or even months. When you’re calm and consistent, they’ll learn.
  • Talk about what you expect. Let your preschooler know how to behave and why. For example:
    • Tell them before you get to the store that you’re only going to buy the food on your grocery list.
    • Remind them that grandma doesn’t allow running in the house before you get there. Talk about what they can enjoy doing together.
  • Help them feel successful.
    • Have them pick out some items like carrots and cereal when you go shopping.
    • Keep shopping trips short or make sure your child is well rested so they can help you.
  • Be a good role model. Children learn by seeing, listening and doing. If you want them to clear their dishes from the table after eating, let them see you take your own dishes away.
  • Talk about values that are important to you. Some examples of values are respect, honesty, having fun, learning and politeness. Explain why your values are important to your family and culture. Let your child see how your family values guide the way you live.
  • Help them learn from mistakes. Help your child see mistakes as a chance to learn. Together, you can decide how a problem can be solved and what can be done differently next time. When you make a mistake, talk about how you handled it.

Your preschooler’s self-esteem gets stronger when you help them feel that they’re loved, capable, helpful and they belong.

Growing and learning across the ages