Introduction
Is your toddler having temper tantrums, saying “no”, and wanting to do things by themselves? Below, you’ll find information to better understand these behaviours and ideas to help you support your toddler to learn.
If you find yourself getting frustrated with your child, take some slow, deep breaths. Your calm and nurturing response helps your child reach their goals while building attachment.
Temper tantrums
- Understanding tantrums
- Preventing tantrums
- Calming your child during a tantrum
- When tantrums happen in public
In this Section:
Understanding tantrums
When your toddler is upset, they may cry uncontrollably, yell and thrash about. This is a temper tantrum. A temper tantrum is simply an emotional outburst. This is a normal part of child development. Most children have tantrums.
A tantrum may be the only way your toddler’s body knows how to show their strong emotions. When your toddler is having a temper tantrum, they’re feeling overwhelmed. They may be feeling frustrated, tired, hungry or rushed. They’ll need your help to learn a different way to manage their emotions.
Tantrums usually start around 18 months and peak by 3 years. They should gradually happen less often after that and will become less intense.
Learn from previous tantrums. As adults, we do not always react the way we hope to. After a tantrum, and once you’re feeling calm, think about how you responded and what you may want to do next time. Remind yourself of your new plan often so that it comes more easily next time.
Punishing or making fun of your toddler will not help them learn about their emotions and will make the tantrum worse. Help your toddler understand their feelings and learn how to show them in healthier ways by guiding and reassuring them. Learn more about positive discipline.
It’s normal for toddlers to have a tantrum once in a while. If these outbursts happen often, are violent or you’re concerned about them, call Health Link at 811 or talk with your health care provider.
If you find yourself getting frustrated with your child, take some slow, deep breaths. Remind yourself about what you’re trying to help them learn. Your calm and nurturing response helps your child reach their goals while building attachment. Children learn much better when they have a strong emotional connection with you. Learn more about attachment.
When they want something they can’t have
Be kind and firm. Explain why they cannot it. Reassure them that you understand their feelings. Stick with your decision if you’ve said “No.”
“I think that patience comes before everything else. Taking a step back to re-assess helps to keep your perspective on what is happening.”
~Dave, dad of two children
Preventing tantrums
You cannot prevent every tantrum, however here are some ideas that may help:
- Plan regular meals, snacks and sleeping times as toddlers become overwhelmed quickly when they’re tired or hungry.
- Learn how toddlers usually develop to help you know what to expect.
- Watch for early warning signs. If you see your toddler getting frustrated, it may help to distract them, end a shopping trip, change the activity or take a break.
- Learn what frustrates or overwhelms your toddler, such as too much noise or too many choices.
- Find a balance. Know when to set limits and when to offer choices, when to be flexible and when to be firm.
- Make sure your toddler has a chance for active play every day.
- Try not to plan too many activities in the same day.
Calming your child during a tantrum
Here are some ideas to help calm your toddler:
- Give them space and make sure they’re safe. Some children like to be held when they feel out of control. Others may want a hug only after they’ve calmed down.
- Stay calm and be with them. Stay quietly with them until they calm down. It might help to take them somewhere quiet.
- Once they’ve calmed down:
- Help them name or describe their feelings.
- Show them you understand.
- Tell them what behaviour needs to change and why—based on their stage of development.
- Help them think of other ways to show their feelings.
- Let them re-join the activity they were doing or move on to something else.
- Do not make a toddler apologize. They don’t understand why they acted the way they did.
- Remind yourself that your toddler is learning. They’ll use the skills you teach them now throughout their life.
Your emotional response to tantrums
Self-regulation is one of the most important skills we can teach ourselves and our children. Calming yourself before responding helps people of all ages re-connect the emotional and thinking parts of their brain so they can make better decisions. Learn more about self-regulation.
“Love your kids unconditionally, it makes life easier.”
~Seham, mom of three children
When tantrums happen in public
Many parents find it stressful and may even feel embarrassed when their child has a tantrum in public. Although this is normal, there are ways you can make it easier. Here are some things to think about:
- Try to remember that most toddlers have tantrums and this is part of typical development. Chances are there is another parent nearby who understands.
- Keep your focus on your child and stay calm.
- Keep your family safe. If you sense a tantrum coming that you might not be able to stop, move your family to a safe spot, away from traffic or other hazards.
- If you have older children, tell them to stay close by so you don’t have to worry about where they are. It may help to let your children know what your expectations are before going out.
Saying “No”
It can be confusing and frustrating when your toddler, at around 18 months old, starts saying “No.” A toddler’s language is limited and this is their way of telling you:
- They don’t like something
- They’re frustrated
- They want to do something on their own
It’s important for your child to be able to say “No.” It gives them some control of their world. They’re not saying it to upset you.
Sometimes when you say “No” less often, your child will say it less too. Here are some examples of how you can say “No” less often (swipe, tap or click the dots to see more):
“What I have learned is how a toddler thinks, ‘I want what I want, when I want’ and once I was able to appreciate their point of view, it helped me to help them.”
~Sue, mom of three children
Doing things by themselves
Toddlers need and want to do things by themselves. They may get frustrated when they don’t have the skills to do what they want.
At this age, your toddler:
- needs to touch and play with everything around them—for example, they may just want to know what’s in the cereal box when they happily dump the contents on the floor
- figures out how things work by taking them apart
- has no idea about danger and safety
- starts to learn the difference between what they can and cannot do
- realizes that sometimes you think differently than they do
They’ll need your help and support while they learn these things.